¤ solstar..

Happy Thanksgiving.
Been back in Jersey since Tuesday.
Lots happened. Lots didn’t happen.
I’m full from today’s dinner and don’t feel like typing out my blog. lulz.

i’m going to alabama tomorrow night.
away from the internet.
from everyone.
from the cold.

i’m in an illicit internet affair interesting situation with a nineteen year old canadian.
i’m think i’m falling again… for someone who lives 3000 something miles away.
i’m afraid he’s lying to me. i’m afraid nothing will happen. i’m afraid something will happen. 
i love my best male friend more than I should.
I’m falling out of love with my best male friend. (i hope.)
i’m lonely, cold, and i complain more than I should.
He doesn’t hug me anymore, and it bothers me.
Sometimes, I just feel so damn unpretty.
(to be con’t)

beyond from where my eyes can see
there is someone waiting for me
or perhaps it is the opposite
where I am he and he is it
with clear skies and cloudy hearts
the serendipidous can now depart
i’d love to see that feeling
that could easily send me reeling
from the passionate sparks
that fly and bark
and rise and wane
and start again
beyond where my hands can feel
i can only hope that this is real
beyond from where my eyes can see
is this really what is for me…?

i’m in an illicit internet affair with a nineteen year old canadian.
and it seems… he means more than i thought.
he stated that he wants  all of me.
and to please me.
not just in a sexual way.
but in a soul quenching way.
ha, how wrong was I.

this is so silly.
so much, for so little.
so close, yet so far.
Goddamnit all.

 c’est la vie.

waiting for tomorrow
to come today and wash the rain away
being the sun from yesterday
and shine it my way
i want to feel it again
on my skin, on my lips
the sunshine of years ago
before the rain, before the snow

i’m in an illicit internet affair with a nineteen year old canadian.
there is such a great lusting in him for me.
it’s… fascinating.
i don’t know exactly how i feel.
it’s entertaining and feels good.
i like… playing with someone.
playing with their emotions.
for i know what it’s like being played with.
but, i’m not that evil.
i admit there is an equivolent feeling.
just, it’s not… love.
not exactly lust.
no, maybe it is lust.
i can’t be sure.
pieces of me are saying, “oh look. someone else who wants to fuck you.”
and other pieces are like “oh… look. someone else… wants to… fuck you.”
and bits are saying, “mhm.”

c’est la vie.

these thoughts are sin
one-way tickets to
self-imposed hell
yet they proliferate my mind
they leave me cold
and surprise me
my heart pumps, things bump
i can only take them as they come
and I, just a pebble in a storm
cover myself with sand, feebly wishing away the rain, the pain
the sorrow, the longing, the craving, desires
these damn desires
such sin!
wanting, needing
such sin!
wanting to feel your skin
feeling mine  against yours
my lips… yours
upon my neck, yours, ours
everyone. everything
give it to me
forget what’s passed,
what is,
what was,
and what will be give it to me…
gently.

——————-PS:
selfish desire
my soul’s on fire
passion sounds surround
darkness and light bound
it’s all you’ll find
my sinful mind.

is it too much to ask
just to feel important
to feel like you matter
to feel like you impact
someone’s day
in some way?
is it too much to ask
just to be held tightly
engulfed into the arms
of someone you love
unfalteringly, truly love?
no matter how stupid
they are
no matter how ignorant
they are
just love them and hold them
if only for a moment
if only for a single, fleeting moment-
is it too much to ask?
pressing my lips against yours
the look of disgust upon your face
i can only imagine
but to satisfy my selfish needs
is my only atonement
for this one sided love.

i am light
illuminating and warm
i am the spark
the cause and the reaction
i furrow brows and squint eyes
i dry the land, crisp the hand
i set souls aflame with passion
i bring forth negative reactions
it is I, light in shining armor
here to ease the night away
and bring the day.