¤ solstar..

here i am
twiddling my thumbs
twirling in my seat
as it rains
pitter patter
near my feet

with a pain in my heart
an ache in my soul
devilish memories
take the spotlight role

i want to be happy for you
but all i feel is pain
i should be happy for you
but all i can do
is twidle my thumbs
twirl in my seat
and listen to the solemn rain

-
The pain which hit upon reading the description of his day out was incredible.. but why? Why did I ache? Perhaps his details were a bit vulgar, but why did my heart ache, my stomach twist, and my eyes water?
I am only his friend, now and forever more, never anything more. Why can’t my heart just accept what my mind knows fully?
Was I happy for him? Honestly, I don’t know.
I… honestly don’t know.
I can’t say I wasn’t happy. No no, I’m not bitter, jealous, nor envious at all.
It’s just… I failed again… I think that’s what is in my mind.
I failed.
I’m happy for him, I’m happy someone could succeed and be enough for him.
I think.

Oh, what is it my mind is trying to say.
Was I happy for him or what?
What kind of question is that?

Who asks that kind of question?
Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
I have so many questions and no answers and it makes me sick.
Sick to the core.
C’est la vie.