¤ solstar..

Living on the dash, I look around to see where I’m at. I realized, in that moment, that again I’m in the same place I’ve always been in. The same sick vacuum that whirls me around, pulling the life out of me, then spitting me out on the carpet ready for a second go. I always reach for the wrong things instead of the things that would better me and push me forward.
I seek to appease the sun when all it ever seems to do is burn me. What single good thing has it done for me? Yes, many things…  
[i edited this. it upsetted me. 1/30/08]
I absorb it, reflect it, and I am full of it. Yes, I am full of it. Knowing full well the sun belongs to the world and not to a lowly bit of dust such as myself. Yes, the sun is enamored with the world, and dust sits there, unwilling to face the truth. No longer does the light reflect on me. It’s been taken away by the world and all its wonders. I can’t say I’m happy, nor can I say I’m jealous. How can I be truly happy knowing I could never show it that kind of joy? Yet, I can’t be jealous because I’m happy the sun is happy. A situation where one could say, “Ignorance is bliss.” Not knowing, not thinking, not believing, that’s the best I can do for now. I can’t seem to be rid of the feeling that this will have to end… this blissful ignorance. A certain dread fills my head, hopefully at that time, my heart is dead.And the ravenous beast of the moon, whom I feed once and again. What good is it to me? It eats from the hands of others frequently, yet, I continue to send it my own. Why is this? Am I looking for someone out there? Am I really that desperate? Of course, that beast means no good for me. It’s always the same thing, the same conversations. Perhaps there’s more to this beast, but all I see is a beast. Feeding off the innocent and naive, then turning and leaving them with silence. And knowing fully he is linked to another hand with a greater bond, I still feed the beast. And the beast still takes willingly.
I make a fool of myself, a whore of myself, for one who’d honestly eat from two different hands? Yes, because those flattering words are like a drug to me. I’ll be a fool and a whore, just to hear things I already should know.