¤ solstar..

looking back, this blog is so silly. i’m so overly dramatic. unrightfully so.
i seriously need to not take things so seriously.
i’m like.. all SERIOUS FUCKING BUISNESS about things.
why can’t I be more… light and airy…

today was… what it was.
terribly scared of my grades in math & bio.
terribly surprised at my grades in english.
and lunch.
an exam day, left early since it was our lunch period.
We went to a diner around the corner from the school.
Food and service was abysmal + someone whom I’m not fond of was there. I don’t know what it is I don’t like about her… perhaps that she’s phony? perhaps it has to do with things from long, long ago.
I do hope it’s not the latter.
I drunk copious amounts of water.. I have to lose weight.
I hate how I’m looking right now. I look like a big balloon. Like a macy’s day parade float, even. So, I want to lose weight and get physically attractive.
Not like I’m trying to attract any attention… Crazy, how I am. I guess it’s cause I’m still inexplicably stuck on him..
Speaking of him, apparently he’s broke things off with his beau.
I want to ask, but then… I don’t want to ask. I don’t know if I should.
I wonder why though.
Then at lunch, him and his friend were chatting.
I wasn’t listening, as I was focused on worryingaboutmygrades&fatness&self.
Overheard a bit about him wanting a girlfriend, then her rattling off names of past girlfriends… and yeah.
I wish I had been actively participating in that conversation. lol.
Nah, maybe it’s good that I didn’t.
But, It was weird, I think, that I buried my face in the waters I was gulping down voraciously. I hope that was unnoticed. >>
I can imagine, them speaking about that, and then pause to look at me, and I’ve got a glass of water upturned in my face.
Cause I’m so damn… UGH.

Not like he’d want to go back with me anyway, but a girl can… fantasize?
I’m so pathetic.
And I hate the way that sounds. As if I wasn’t worthy… but… I wasn’t?
And I’m not.
Why can’t I just get it in my head that that whole fantasy is dead and gone.
Yes, a month. 
Not a single date.
sdfiohjkg
I just suck at romance & relationships.
But I guess I’m good at being a good friend and confidant.
Which is fine…
And he loves me, and I love him.
And.. it is what it is.

Gosh, I sound like such a loser.
Perhaps even obsessive?
No, I ain’t that damn crazy.
I did have a dream about that kid from my theatre class.
Of course, the following night, I dreamed of ‘hot & heavy’ action with Sunny… (FLASHING… LIGHTS. lol. idk.)
GAH.
I should just stick to art.  
C’est la vie.