¤ solstar..

I haven’t been here in so long.
Much has or hasn’t happened.
I was on a week vacation with my family in Atlantic City.
It’s the summer, I haven’t done much.. but I have seen a few friends.
August is around the corner.
Nick is out of my life and I’ll probably never hear from him again.
Although, It’ll be a long while before I take him out of my contacts. Ha.
And.
I’m going to lose weight.

And now, a long, long, looong.. something.

I’m totally lovesick. I’ve been this way for the longest, but I’ve been afraid to reveal my heart song to him because I feared he wouldn’t want to be my friend or something after I told him. I feared any positive and negative consequence. But truthfully, I wonder what it would be like to just tell him. I wonder if I’d feel relieved or frightened at his response to it. I mean, he can’t dump me as a friend just because I tell him that I am/have been head over heels in love with him. That I want to be everything he needs. A light in the dark, a blanket in the cold, sweet words on harsh days, a smile in a sea of frowns. I want to be this sparkling light. But, I can do this as a friend. What more do I want? I mean, I can’t really imagine being any kind of intimate with him. Well, that’s a lie. I’ve imagined it many times and have probably gotten off to those thoughts more often then I’d like to admit. And the only huge reason, is.. jealousy? Well, I do feel jealous when he brings up certain things, not that I have any place to feel jealous. I mean, I’m just a friend, right? A relationship between us is just the most absurd and unlikely thing ever. Plus, he doesn’t dig me that way. Well, yeah, he’ll mention that I look nice in an outfit, or remind me that I’m pretty or inspirational… or send sweet text messages that make me feel warm and special inside. Gah, I don’t know. I say I don’t notice the little things, and I probably don’t. What I do is take them and scrutinize them to no end until they’re far from truth. Yes, that’s it. Has he changed as he said? Is he happier? I’d like to say that he has changed, yet in many ways, I still feel he’s the same. I wonder why he’s all about change all of a sudden. Maybe I missed it in my self-absorbancy. No, I did miss it. I know he’s not looking for love anymore.. that it’ll fall right into his hands when it decides to present itself.. I know that he’s been happier because he doesn’t feel the need to validate himself to others… or seek happiness or worth from others… right? I think this is the big change I was supposed to notice. I know I noticed his streak of independence. That was strong and rather admirable. I can’t deny that it made me swoon. Haha, that boy. Why am I lovesick? I already have great friendship with him. And I barely believe in love and relationships. I don’t see the point of human companionship beyond friendship. I don’t know why someone would want to… The more I type, the more I see how flawed I am. I am unable to see why someone would want to open their soul and heart to someone. Give them total trust and show them parts that they normally cover with cloths and synthetic materials. And to share in the ultimate human bonding ritual… making love… Oh my. Thinking about that and him and everything puts such wild thoughts in my head. So, perhaps it’s lust I’m feeling and not love. Yet, don’t lust and love go hand in hand in some circumstances? I don’t know, since most of this is beyond me. What is it to be a companion? A boyfriend or girlfriend? Why aren’t friends enough? Why isn’t friendship enough for me? Well, I can pretend it’s enough, and this usually is fine. I bury my heartsong and I continue forward. But it ails me now.. it poisons my systems. What more do I want? I can’t seem to answer this. I would like to consult someone, but no one can answer, because no one knows what they want.. Is it like some genetic thing that makes us desperate for human companionship? Well, yes. I know humans are social and survive through their social networks. Perhaps I’m thinking too big now, but when I step down… I see the big question is.. What more do I want? No one’s ever satisfied, and I am no exception. I want more and I don’t know why. I can be content. Yet, right now, I am restless and squirming with annoyance. My head pounds and my stomach aches and bulges. I’m thinking in the side of my head that perhaps he’s dropping hints.. but why fool myself. That boy isn’t thinking of me, much less any females. Boy, did I fuck up falling for him of all people. I can continue to hide it, or I could tell him. HA. Why I am I so afraid to tell him? I don’t want our friendship to die because of my revelation. But, why would it? And if it did, would it be for the best? I’d be losing someone I cared for greatly.. someone I loved..? I fear this.. because I fear being alone… and of course I wouldn’t sabotage a friendship.. but what if this sabotage is to cure me of my sickness.. would it be for the best? The quote goes, you can’t get what you want without asking/doing. And if he was truly my friend, he wouldn’t stop talking to me if I told him, right? It’s something I can get over.. and it’d probably be easier if I just told him. A weight off my shoulders, right? Soon, yes soon. He will know. Or not. I don’t know yet. The consequences for both are unpleasant.. But things are bitter before they’re sweet. I’ll see what I’ll do. I’ve got my sign..