¤ solstar..

hm.

i dreamed we were in a cup, on a chair, bench.
me next to him next to BB.
he tickled me or something and our faces were close
then we met
lips
hands
his neck
then i stopped and screamed OH MY GOD, BIANCA! D:
and stopped abruptly, cause i thought it would disturb her
this sudden and surprising PDA
and she had a white shirt or something over her head.
it made me lol.
then i was awake
and wanted to scream WOOOOH
after realizing,
i hadn’t killed someone,
three boys weren;t battling for me,
and i had not in fact made out with my friend on a cup shaped bench and reached nirvana.
lies.

am i not one for change? i don’t know.
i haven’t made any huge changes for myself.
i tell myself i’m going to get organized and cleanly.
and lose weight.
those are changes, and i’ve failed in all for the most part.

i said i’d stop being lovesick, and that only got worse.
said i’d get a job, that didn’t work out.
that i’d become more social, that’s a failing work in progress.
but these aren’t changes.. i think?
change is defined as… a transformation. To give a completely different form or appearance to.
An inner change, an outer change.

Well, getting organized and clean, that’s a change.
Getting off the computer and doing something productive..
Well, I did name all changes, in that case.
I guess.goddamnit, i’m so irritable.
i wanna kick a puppy.
fuckkk.

I haven’t been here in so long.
Much has or hasn’t happened.
I was on a week vacation with my family in Atlantic City.
It’s the summer, I haven’t done much.. but I have seen a few friends.
August is around the corner.
Nick is out of my life and I’ll probably never hear from him again.
Although, It’ll be a long while before I take him out of my contacts. Ha.
And.
I’m going to lose weight.

And now, a long, long, looong.. something.

I’m totally lovesick. I’ve been this way for the longest, but I’ve been afraid to reveal my heart song to him because I feared he wouldn’t want to be my friend or something after I told him. I feared any positive and negative consequence. But truthfully, I wonder what it would be like to just tell him. I wonder if I’d feel relieved or frightened at his response to it. I mean, he can’t dump me as a friend just because I tell him that I am/have been head over heels in love with him. That I want to be everything he needs. A light in the dark, a blanket in the cold, sweet words on harsh days, a smile in a sea of frowns. I want to be this sparkling light. But, I can do this as a friend. What more do I want? I mean, I can’t really imagine being any kind of intimate with him. Well, that’s a lie. I’ve imagined it many times and have probably gotten off to those thoughts more often then I’d like to admit. And the only huge reason, is.. jealousy? Well, I do feel jealous when he brings up certain things, not that I have any place to feel jealous. I mean, I’m just a friend, right? A relationship between us is just the most absurd and unlikely thing ever. Plus, he doesn’t dig me that way. Well, yeah, he’ll mention that I look nice in an outfit, or remind me that I’m pretty or inspirational… or send sweet text messages that make me feel warm and special inside. Gah, I don’t know. I say I don’t notice the little things, and I probably don’t. What I do is take them and scrutinize them to no end until they’re far from truth. Yes, that’s it. Has he changed as he said? Is he happier? I’d like to say that he has changed, yet in many ways, I still feel he’s the same. I wonder why he’s all about change all of a sudden. Maybe I missed it in my self-absorbancy. No, I did miss it. I know he’s not looking for love anymore.. that it’ll fall right into his hands when it decides to present itself.. I know that he’s been happier because he doesn’t feel the need to validate himself to others… or seek happiness or worth from others… right? I think this is the big change I was supposed to notice. I know I noticed his streak of independence. That was strong and rather admirable. I can’t deny that it made me swoon. Haha, that boy. Why am I lovesick? I already have great friendship with him. And I barely believe in love and relationships. I don’t see the point of human companionship beyond friendship. I don’t know why someone would want to… The more I type, the more I see how flawed I am. I am unable to see why someone would want to open their soul and heart to someone. Give them total trust and show them parts that they normally cover with cloths and synthetic materials. And to share in the ultimate human bonding ritual… making love… Oh my. Thinking about that and him and everything puts such wild thoughts in my head. So, perhaps it’s lust I’m feeling and not love. Yet, don’t lust and love go hand in hand in some circumstances? I don’t know, since most of this is beyond me. What is it to be a companion? A boyfriend or girlfriend? Why aren’t friends enough? Why isn’t friendship enough for me? Well, I can pretend it’s enough, and this usually is fine. I bury my heartsong and I continue forward. But it ails me now.. it poisons my systems. What more do I want? I can’t seem to answer this. I would like to consult someone, but no one can answer, because no one knows what they want.. Is it like some genetic thing that makes us desperate for human companionship? Well, yes. I know humans are social and survive through their social networks. Perhaps I’m thinking too big now, but when I step down… I see the big question is.. What more do I want? No one’s ever satisfied, and I am no exception. I want more and I don’t know why. I can be content. Yet, right now, I am restless and squirming with annoyance. My head pounds and my stomach aches and bulges. I’m thinking in the side of my head that perhaps he’s dropping hints.. but why fool myself. That boy isn’t thinking of me, much less any females. Boy, did I fuck up falling for him of all people. I can continue to hide it, or I could tell him. HA. Why I am I so afraid to tell him? I don’t want our friendship to die because of my revelation. But, why would it? And if it did, would it be for the best? I’d be losing someone I cared for greatly.. someone I loved..? I fear this.. because I fear being alone… and of course I wouldn’t sabotage a friendship.. but what if this sabotage is to cure me of my sickness.. would it be for the best? The quote goes, you can’t get what you want without asking/doing. And if he was truly my friend, he wouldn’t stop talking to me if I told him, right? It’s something I can get over.. and it’d probably be easier if I just told him. A weight off my shoulders, right? Soon, yes soon. He will know. Or not. I don’t know yet. The consequences for both are unpleasant.. But things are bitter before they’re sweet. I’ll see what I’ll do. I’ve got my sign..

sigh.
i haven’t been here in so long.
i don’t know why i don’t type in here much more often.
probably because there isn’t much to share.
tomorrow i’m going to six flags with Sunny and BB.
it’s spring break, though it doesn’t feel like it.
i started talking to my canadian friend again.
he’s pretty odd, but that I can say about 75% of my friends and even myself. lol.

one of my friends asked about my romantic life.
what romantic life?
haha.
no such thing.. i’m not even pining for anyone.  i think it’s either that i’m supremely picky, i’m not boy-crazy (or girl-crazy. i’m hetero-o-oh.. i think? of course. lol), or perhaps i’m still pining for sunny, which i’m… not really sure of. i mean, i love him, but it’s loosing that romantic bit. it’s all platonic and sisterly/brotherly… i guess.
 he has a boyfriend anyway.
(ha, that sounds odd)
my canadian friend flirts, but i doubt he’s really reaaallly interested in me.
though, i don’t even know what that means anymoar.
maybe i just think i’m not good enough anymoar.

maybe i’m not.
well, if anything, i’m good enough for my close friends… nearly good-enough for myself…

i have such a headache.
~.~

moody.

i dunno.
i’m feeling this to be a good day, but i’m rather upset that sunny can’t talk to me. yeah, we talk. but nothing too deep. it’s always just petty things or silence.
i don’t feel much of a connection to him.
maybe, it’s just how it is now. perhaps, i’m rushing to conclusions to fast, like usual.
but i dunno, i’m getting all kinds of bad vibes from it.
today, i could see to be a good day. a good chance that it will be one.
eating some “healthy” food right now. A healthy food binge, haha. What a joke.
But I will lose some weight by June.
Gotta look nice in a cute bathing suit, hopefully unlike the last one I wore. Horrendous. x.x
If I could lose ten or fifteen pounds, I’d be the happiest girl on Earth.
Haha, maybe that’s an exxageration, but I’d sure be proud.
I’d also like to bring up my grades while I’m at it.
And get more sleep. x.x

Meh.

haven’t been here in a while.
nothing much going on.
except, i’m giving up on that false hope.
sunny never did and never will feel anything for me
so why do i think things might suddenly change
however, I don’t really care much for the idea
of some nucklehead feeling on me or telling me lies to get in
my pants, therefore, i’m giving up on love and all that shit.
i already know i’m loved and am special and shit.
and if i feel like being felt upon, i can do it myself.
hah, that made me lol.

my heart breaks again
and i resolve to break off
this wild fascination
that’s left me in a state of
devastation
for i cannot take it anymore
another shut door
in my face, leaving a piece of me
shattered, disgraced

greedy men take what should’ve
never been within reach
and they take and take
while we give and give
and live
for their sake
however, this isn’t the way to go
we should already know
greedy men don’t give a damn
another shut door in my face
leaving a piece of me
shattered, disgraced.

it’s 1:40 am, and i’m crying.
why?
just finished ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’
A great nonfiction book.
I’ve learned so much from reading this book.
I want to read it again & again and soak it up like a sponge.

All in all, what I’ve gotten out of it in my first read is something I’ve already taken from another book I recently read.

“Live the life that you devise”

Reading that novel made me think of things that are really important.
How material things means nothing in the end.
How living in the fast lane gets you nowhere.
How it all is meaningless in the end.
And what matters most is the human connection.
How you connect with people… sharing yourself and listening and speaking.
And loving and forgiving and compromising.
It’s all so simple.

And things that society puts so much emphasis on… how it all really doesn’t matter.
it really
reallly
really
does not matter.

this has made me change my priorities, or at least gain some.
it makes me think and realize so much.
it’s all about that human connection.
we are all the same.
we are all waves in this ocean, all heading towards that same shore.
that same crash.

i want to share myself.
and be more open.
cause in the end, that’s all that matters.
i’ve found the path to immortality. to eternity.
love is the answer.
love.
spread it, feel it, believe it.
remember it.