¤ solstar..

What is it about you that I am drawn to
is it your smile, your eyes
your bitchy sighs
what is it that makes my heart scream
through my skin and in my dreams
is it the way you make me laugh
the little quirks that i notice
that little oddities
what is it about you
that i am drawn to
i wish i knew

is it your confidence
the way you just don’t care
is it the way you dare the rest
to mess with you

AH SCREW POETRY.
I FUCKING LOVE YOU MAN.
D;

looking back, this blog is so silly. i’m so overly dramatic. unrightfully so.
i seriously need to not take things so seriously.
i’m like.. all SERIOUS FUCKING BUISNESS about things.
why can’t I be more… light and airy…

today was… what it was.
terribly scared of my grades in math & bio.
terribly surprised at my grades in english.
and lunch.
an exam day, left early since it was our lunch period.
We went to a diner around the corner from the school.
Food and service was abysmal + someone whom I’m not fond of was there. I don’t know what it is I don’t like about her… perhaps that she’s phony? perhaps it has to do with things from long, long ago.
I do hope it’s not the latter.
I drunk copious amounts of water.. I have to lose weight.
I hate how I’m looking right now. I look like a big balloon. Like a macy’s day parade float, even. So, I want to lose weight and get physically attractive.
Not like I’m trying to attract any attention… Crazy, how I am. I guess it’s cause I’m still inexplicably stuck on him..
Speaking of him, apparently he’s broke things off with his beau.
I want to ask, but then… I don’t want to ask. I don’t know if I should.
I wonder why though.
Then at lunch, him and his friend were chatting.
I wasn’t listening, as I was focused on worryingaboutmygrades&fatness&self.
Overheard a bit about him wanting a girlfriend, then her rattling off names of past girlfriends… and yeah.
I wish I had been actively participating in that conversation. lol.
Nah, maybe it’s good that I didn’t.
But, It was weird, I think, that I buried my face in the waters I was gulping down voraciously. I hope that was unnoticed. >>
I can imagine, them speaking about that, and then pause to look at me, and I’ve got a glass of water upturned in my face.
Cause I’m so damn… UGH.

Not like he’d want to go back with me anyway, but a girl can… fantasize?
I’m so pathetic.
And I hate the way that sounds. As if I wasn’t worthy… but… I wasn’t?
And I’m not.
Why can’t I just get it in my head that that whole fantasy is dead and gone.
Yes, a month. 
Not a single date.
sdfiohjkg
I just suck at romance & relationships.
But I guess I’m good at being a good friend and confidant.
Which is fine…
And he loves me, and I love him.
And.. it is what it is.

Gosh, I sound like such a loser.
Perhaps even obsessive?
No, I ain’t that damn crazy.
I did have a dream about that kid from my theatre class.
Of course, the following night, I dreamed of ‘hot & heavy’ action with Sunny… (FLASHING… LIGHTS. lol. idk.)
GAH.
I should just stick to art.  
C’est la vie.

Living on the dash, I look around to see where I’m at. I realized, in that moment, that again I’m in the same place I’ve always been in. The same sick vacuum that whirls me around, pulling the life out of me, then spitting me out on the carpet ready for a second go. I always reach for the wrong things instead of the things that would better me and push me forward.
I seek to appease the sun when all it ever seems to do is burn me. What single good thing has it done for me? Yes, many things…  
[i edited this. it upsetted me. 1/30/08]
I absorb it, reflect it, and I am full of it. Yes, I am full of it. Knowing full well the sun belongs to the world and not to a lowly bit of dust such as myself. Yes, the sun is enamored with the world, and dust sits there, unwilling to face the truth. No longer does the light reflect on me. It’s been taken away by the world and all its wonders. I can’t say I’m happy, nor can I say I’m jealous. How can I be truly happy knowing I could never show it that kind of joy? Yet, I can’t be jealous because I’m happy the sun is happy. A situation where one could say, “Ignorance is bliss.” Not knowing, not thinking, not believing, that’s the best I can do for now. I can’t seem to be rid of the feeling that this will have to end… this blissful ignorance. A certain dread fills my head, hopefully at that time, my heart is dead.And the ravenous beast of the moon, whom I feed once and again. What good is it to me? It eats from the hands of others frequently, yet, I continue to send it my own. Why is this? Am I looking for someone out there? Am I really that desperate? Of course, that beast means no good for me. It’s always the same thing, the same conversations. Perhaps there’s more to this beast, but all I see is a beast. Feeding off the innocent and naive, then turning and leaving them with silence. And knowing fully he is linked to another hand with a greater bond, I still feed the beast. And the beast still takes willingly.
I make a fool of myself, a whore of myself, for one who’d honestly eat from two different hands? Yes, because those flattering words are like a drug to me. I’ll be a fool and a whore, just to hear things I already should know.

Sunny (9:49:21 PM): HEY!!

Chamayo (9:49:31 PM): o.o

Sunny (9:49:58 PM): no matter what anybody says or what u think you are the best of the best keep working you are very skilled in what you do keeep practicing and you can be that million dollar artist!! Chamayo (9:51:13 PM): random bit there.
but thank you for the encouraging words, nonetheless.
:]

1. Is there someone right now that could do something to make you happy?
- not really.
unless the guy from Coldstone Cremery appeared out of nowhere. P:
idk. somebody who enjoys my company and i enjoy theirs equally just hanging out and chilling somewhere far off from life. somewhere where nothing counts. somewhere where i don’t have to think or worry. where i just forget where i’m from, where i’m at, and where i’m going… and live in that singular moment.

love just ain’t my game.
longing and wanting.
it’s so silly and pointless.
because when i think into it, i don’t really like most people.
and i’m a very closed person, so how can i sit here hoping to find someone to…
and again, why would i want one? what can I, a 16-year old, want with a boyfriend? what’s the point of that whole deal…
i mean, i don’t feel like getting groped and kissed by some stranger. and i don’t care to learn about anyone either.
i just don’t give a damn about others.

is it cause i’m still stuck on someone who’s taken? no.
because they’re my friend, and that’s how that is.
i just don’t see the point of romance.
i don’t see why i ‘need’ a boyfriend.
because i really don’t.
so why am i aching for someone?
i’m loved enough here, yet I just want more and more.
what is wrong with me?
it’s like there’s a logical part of my mind that knows the truth and then there’s the illogical half that is so stupid and wants stupid things.
and the stupid part wants to win, but i can’t let it.
i need to take control.
get my grades right, keep my room clean, and please everyone.
fuck that, but no.
not like i have a life or anything.
what kind of rebelling is this?
so stupid.

i hate it.
love just keeps hurting me.
c’est la vie.

omgz.
well, the birthday was fabulous.
went to breakfast with Ray. It was full of awesome and yum.
got to school near the end of 3rd period.
the rest of the schoolday went okay.
at lunch, me & ray ate our cheesecake.
mmkay.
fsst forward.
after school, went to NYC with the mom.
We went to John’s Pizzaria, which has aweesome pizza.
And went to see Rent, which was woahawesome.
And today, going with the friends to the Guggenheim and hopefully the Dave & Busters too.
Looks like things are going well.
Well, minus the failure of my latest math test + the passing of my unborn brother.
Hope my dad’s ok.

my birthday approaches.
i’m a ‘bore’ apparently, but i really don’t care for a celebration. for some reason, i don’t really see reason in celebrating it. yes, of course i want to do something, but it’s like… idk. surreal?
i’ve been describing it as surreal.
i’m near complete on this drawing of Sunny and I. My last post was dealing with his picture. Today, we stood in the hall and talked all lunch period. The teachers didn’t seem to notice until the end of lunch, which was cool. We spoke of his future career paths. He’s so unsure but sure in a way. Me, I know what I want to do. The only thing I’m good at. Art.
Sunny, the hairdresser, psychocologist, bartender.

*hours pass*

Idk anymore.
MY feet hurt and I’m tired.
C’est la vie.

Chamayo (11:19:59 PM): one happens to notice so many subtle things
when drawing.
you notice minute details that make a person them. that gives them their soul, their identity. their spark, fire. perfecting an image, shaping features.. sculpting a human replica.
feeling that moment.
getting that emotion down.

Chamayo (11:21:57 PM): then there’s something in the eyes.
i can always nearly capture.
whether it be bliss, joy, bewilderment… it’s all there.
i capture that.

Chamayo (11:22:44 PM): every detail… every little minor detail… but so important to the big picture… w/o them, it’s nothing.

Chamayo (11:23:36 PM): LOL ARTIST’S RANT.

After reading the novel “The Perks of Being A Wallflower”, I’ve found I was able to really think.
To sit and think. And in the end, I realized how dishonest a person I am. I can be there for people and listen and observe, but I never take action. I never voice my wants and needs. It’s as if I live for everyone else.
I never act, out of fear of rejection, fear of a negative reaction. I’m swayed easily from my morals…
Am I really a person? A living, breathing being? What is wrong with me?
Why can’t I be strong like my mother? Is this how my grandma is?
Not living the life that she devised.
Reminds me a song by Jamiroquai called “The Kids”
Kids get down
Pressurised
To live the life
That you devise.
Watch me now.
Kids get down
Celebrate
Life’s too short
To complicate.
Watch me now.
‘Cause the kids got funky soul…

I feel like every motion, passion I feel is a plagerism. That nothing I feel is real, it’s just.. fake.
I want it to be real.
I want to speak what I feel.
I’m tired of the consequences.
I can’t do what I want because I’m so afraid.
I can’t breathe.
Everything I do has one reason. That I don’t want a negative reaction. That I don’t want to be rejected.I want to breathe.
I can’t breathe.I’m tired of going along with things out of fear of rejection.
I’m tired.
I’m sick of it.