¤ solstar..

Right now, I feel like there’s a huge hole in my soul. Why? Is it because my rejection has finally sunk in? I doubt it. I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I am not worth it. Or… perhaps I haven’t?
It all gives me such a headache. Right about now, Sunny is on a date with some guy. I feel like I’m waiting to get jealous or envious, but I can’t seem to feel any of those. All I seem to want is for Sunny to be happy. It’s as if I don’t matter. And, I probably don’t matter in scheme of things. I don’t know. What was I even talking about…
Okay. Here it is.
I might be wrong for it, but I love Sunny. I love him. I love him, and I want him to be happy. I want to be happy, but it’s as if everyone else’s happiness come before my own… It’s like I’m left with scraps. Left with nothing.
Left with a lonely heart.
Left.
Rejected, dejected, ejected from where I’d like to be.
I don’t know.
I’m procrastinating a stupid fucking biology project that I can’t even fucking do because I couldn’t get fish soon enough. I’m just always so fucking disfocused. I’m just such a failure.
Every single thing I do, I fail. I can never do anything right.
I’m just a big, fat failure.
I hate myself.

UGH.

Hm, I think that made me feel a bit better. I just needed to spew that negativity out.
Am I stupid or what?
C’est la vie.

The Future.
Such an ambiguous term, it encompasses all that is to come and all that has not yet occured. It is speculated, questioned, and alluded to, but it never seems to come. For yesterday’s future is today’s present.  And tomorrow? Doesn’t exist. For yesterday’s tomorrow is today, and tomorrow’s yesterday is today… and so on & so forth.
I usually don’t like to think of the future, because it always leads to thoughts on death… >.>
It also leads to thoughts on my senior year. All these people I know, all my acquaintances… will I ever see them again? Will they slowly fade from my life? Who is worth keeping in touch with?
What are they like in real life… out of school… how will they mature… and will I still like them (& will they like me)… So many questions with varying answers.
Also, today is the last Dec. 6th, 2007 in my life.
It will never come again, this exact date and time.
Mind-boggling.

Ok, now this subject bore me.
C’est la vie.

I feel so empty inside.
I kept on talking today, trying so hard to be vaguely interesting, failing at every corner. Oh, no, not all of the day was gray, but my state of mind causes me to stick in this gray muck.  I failed my math test, unsurprisingly. If my grades aren’t good, I’m screwed. I care & don’t care at the same time. The only thing I care for is my art. Not my fucked up hair, shitty skin, or fat body can take away my interest from that. Art is the only thing that motivates me nowadays. I don’t know, it could be hormones. My period is on it’s way, so I’m definitely PMSing here.
Feeling hopeless, detached, and generally pessimistic? Oh, yes. Period time.
Feeling fat, ugly, and forgetful? Oh, yes. Period time.
Although I generally always feel fat since I am. 5′2 and hovering around 165-170. I’m a fucking elephant.
My only attractive attribute must be my personality… Wait, what personality? I’m nearly always cold and untrusting to strangers. Don’t even look people in the eyes…
Speaking of cold, I’m freezing. I wish I had something or someone to keep me warm. That’d be nice.
Oh, yes, warmth. Sniffed Sunny’s shirt today for he wanted me to smell his cologne. I wheeled back and grimaced slightly, but totally not out of digust. More like, keeping away intense emotions. He smelled so good, it was crazy. My mind fantasized over nine thouuuuusannnd different things in that second. And I grimaced, for it all sent nine thouuuuusand chills down my spine. I had to grimace to hold myself from melting there on the spot. Like the wicked witch from Wizard Of Oz, complete with the flying monkeys.

It’s so unpleasant, this unrequited love business. Makes me wonder, Am I worth it? Will all my future affairs end with me not being good enough?
Will I ever be enough? Silly thoughts coming from a stupid almost16 year old. But I can’t help but wonder…

Just ate a hamburger. It was dismal.
C’est la vie.

I don’t think Mr. Moon is speaking to me anymore.
It’s been a couple of days now. Perhaps I’m overreacting… Perhaps ‘life’ has gotten in the way, but I can’t escape the feeling that I’ve been cut off. I even sent a message greeting him and got no reply. It’s possible he could’ve been asleep at the wheel, but then again, It’s also possible that he just wasn’t speaking to me anymore.

Why do I feel so worthless sometimes. I just feel like… when Mr. Moon or Sunny speak to me… I feel like dust. Why would anyone speak to dust?
Why are these “glorious” enities bestow themselves upon my unworthy existence. The feeble artist who is shocked by any and all attention, yet craves it secretly. The introspective, misanthropic, tiny figurine in a world of giants, seeking to quietly rise?
What is this?

Today, didn’t do anything. I did start my birthday gift for Sunny. Being the perfectionist I am, I could barely set it down to go do the dishes. Even now, I feel like it’s calling me now to finish it up. It’s hard to be an impatient person and happen to be an artist as well. What a horrible combination. Artists are supposed to be observant, quiet, calculating. Me? I don’t know what I am. Oh, no, I’m just dust.

Good Mooorning.
Well, not exactly.
I woke up to the sounds of the crab’s yelling. Also woke up to the horrifying realization that the snow had covered my mini-herb garden. I stumbled and hurried to cover them with plastic bags, however futile it was.
Seeing all of my children (collard green plant, tomato plants, bushes, etc.) dead really killed any kind of mood I was going to be in today. In addition, with this snow falling; I doubt I’ll be going to see the play today.
My mom… going out in this kind of weather? Psh. Not a chance in hell.

I’m somewhat upset that there’s no one on AIM. It reaffirms the idea of me having ‘no life whatsoever.’
I think I shall pull myself away to make breakfast, do homework, and ‘maybe’ make some art. Jaiden’s already aggrivated me this morning, not surprisingly. Oh, and my toes are cold.

Oh, yes, a link: http://news.aol.com/newsbloggers/2007/11/30/are-gen-x-parents-raising-spoiled-brats/
Reading the comments for this, I realized a flaw within me. I doubt I’ll ever reflect what my mom saw in herself. I doubt I’ll ever try new things to find myself, my identity. And why?
Because I’m just too afraid. No, not afraid of what others will think, but afraid of what she will think.
Me even thinking of dying my hair… she blew it totally out of proportion. She’d bring it up to family out of the blue.
A Piercing? Tattoo? Nope. Anything radically different, even a style choice… I’ll get yelled at and scrutinized. And for some reason, I’m just so afraid of that.

Jaiden is so aggrivating.

Anyway, if a situation arises, such as sneaking off to the beach or NYC with friends, I don’t know if I’d take it. I’m just so goddamned afraid of what she’ll say. What she’ll do.
Yet, I’m tired of being afraid. I need to cross the line, just for sanity’s sake. I’m tired of trying to appease her. I want to appease myself.

I don’t think I have it in me to defy her.
C’est la vie.

Today was a particularly worthless day.
I didn’t go outside, I didn’t shower until seven.
I woke up at noon and did nothing today.
Oh, yes, cleaned my room and the bathroom.
And ‘thought about’ making some art.
But, no, I sat my lazy, fat ass here on this chair typing away.
Odd that I’m sleepy, considering I did nothing today.
Odd, this body of mine.
I have dishes waiting for me downstairs in that cold kitchen with its cold floors. I also have a budding sense of nausea taking over my senses.

I’m sick of ‘relaxing.’ I need to be elsewhere than home. It’s getting old. annoying. aggrivating. I’d rather be with Sunny. (Although I doubt he cares to spend time with this n’er  me.)
I’d rather be with Mr. Moon… Well, I’d almost always rather be with Mr. Moon. Haha.
‘Cause it’s Mr. Moon who plays the tune
And it’s Mr. Moon who knows
And if it’s Mr. Moon who makes the sound,
Then that’s the sound that goes.

Fucking Jamiroquai. I love that band. Haha.
Listening to Amy Winehouse right now, A song called ‘Best Friends.’
Interesting Song.

Sunny dropped the N-bomb at the lunch table friday after I drew a Domo-kun on his book cover. I had been very happy that day, allowing nothing to upset me or bring me down. Then, all of a sudden he’s like, “Draw another n-er on the ba- Oops.” And then he proceeds to change the subject quickly. I stood shocked but with an old smile on my face. It couldn’t leave as it was apparently shooked into stone.
He blammered on.
I said, “Did you just say..”
And he says, “No no. I said… cause of the color… Uh”
Still stammering.
Then he changes the subject. Whispering, he says something about how asians with say “Hey Nigga” to each other.
And I absently reply saying something about how white and other races do the same… pushing away from the… old/other meaning…
And then the conversation jumped to something else.

Jumping to the end of lunch, as we’re walking to our classes.
He’s behind me… and then Matt appears…
I brighten up.
We did a manga trade. My Love Hina 1-6 for his Tsubasa Resevoir Chronicles 1-3. It was an all-in-one.
So, we start chatting, then Sunny pushes Matt forward hard, saying something along the lines of “Go away, Matt”
I tell him to stop.
And then Matt comes back, puts his arm on my shoulder, and is says something about Sunny needing to chill or something… And then he’s like, “I dumped her a long time ago.”
And then Sunny pouts and smashes the book in my hand. I yell, because I’m really anal about keeping books in perfect condition.
Matt says something like, ‘You know that’s my book..”
And then Sunny just… walks off. In his ‘I’m on a mission’ speed walk.
And again, I stayed happy.

It makes me wonder what you really think of me.
And why is it that this is the second time you’ve said n-er around me.
Why is that word even on your mind? And why is it this time I couldn’t be angry at you? No, I was in too good of a mood to let that put it in a tailspin.
It makes me wonder… just wonder.

And although he put it rather coarsely, Matt was right. It was a long time ago, that whole affair. I can whole-heartedly say that I’m over it. Now, as for Sunny… no, I am not over that completely. Whatever being ‘over it’ means.
Perhaps, it means ‘being able to exist without thinking of that person every other second’. Ha, that sounds a little too close to obsession there.  But, it’s the best way I can put it. At least, for now.

I don’t know why I fell for a person like you.
Back then, you were so different towards me.
And I’m still in shock I guess. With the way you act towards me now.
Although, sometimes I feel that warmth.

Like that night coming from a Football game I believe. It was you, me, and BB. You caused me to fall and I was a few feet from being hit by a car. It stopped, and you pulled me up and held me tight for a moment. That I recall, was quite intense in my mind. So much energy in such a short embrace.
And another time, when I ended my silent treatment towards you for telling me I needed to move on and get out of the past. Ha. You were leaning against the wall, and I just fell into your arms for a moment. A short moment.
There was so much resentment in my heart that just faded away. I couldn’t just cut you out of my life. And with that hug, I vow’d I’d know you forever.
Such a silly declaration, but I plan to stay true to it.
Such minor things you do that upset me so.
When you kiss BB on the cheek as you leave the classroom, how the fury just boils over. But, I hide it behind a smile. Behind a mask, that not anyone or thing could ever penetrate.  No, I’m not mad at her. Not mad at you.
I’m just mad at myself for being so stupid.
For ever falling for you.

And Mr. Moon. Oh, yes, can’t forget to mention him. This man behind the screen, thousands of miles away, groping at my heartstrings. It’s funny how his words are what put me in a good mood that day. Ha. He’s all I have.
And all I don’t have. What I’d give to have him near me. What I’d give to keep him away. Him being older. Him being foreign. So many things wrong with that, yet so many things right. I can’t deny that I’m falling for him as well. But I’m apprehensive. I’m tired of rejection, ya’ know? Tired of lies. Tired of the whole relationship deal. Yet, I can’t deny that I want it.
Just so many things wrong with everything.
Another day, another heartache.
C’est la vie.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Been back in Jersey since Tuesday.
Lots happened. Lots didn’t happen.
I’m full from today’s dinner and don’t feel like typing out my blog. lulz.

i’m going to alabama tomorrow night.
away from the internet.
from everyone.
from the cold.

i’m in an illicit internet affair interesting situation with a nineteen year old canadian.
i’m think i’m falling again… for someone who lives 3000 something miles away.
i’m afraid he’s lying to me. i’m afraid nothing will happen. i’m afraid something will happen. 
i love my best male friend more than I should.
I’m falling out of love with my best male friend. (i hope.)
i’m lonely, cold, and i complain more than I should.
He doesn’t hug me anymore, and it bothers me.
Sometimes, I just feel so damn unpretty.
(to be con’t)